Tag: motherhood

The Alopecia Diaries

Dear Diary,

I’m worried,  my eldest son might be growing a bald spot on his head.  I remember telling my husband how I was scared to have kids in case they get my disease.  The hardship and turmoil I went through I would never wish on anyone.

As a parent and as someone who went through it, I started asking myself,  Do I wait to take him to the doctor until I know for sure?  Do I wait to prepare the dialogue I need to tell him so I can give him the right peace of mind?  

What if the diagnosis comes back true?  Knowing that mommy wears a wig because of it and ends up having terrible anxiety over imagining if he needs to wear a wig as well. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I imagine the doctor coming back with a positive result and how he would react.  I can picture him looking down at the floor trying to be brave and becoming extremely quiet in front of the doctor.  

I imagine when we get home he starts to scream at me,  yell at me, curse at me, push me, hit me, hating me, hating the world, and wishing I was never his mom.  Wishing he was never born in this family.

I wouldn’t blame him.  I thought the same thing except there was no historical path to trace back to.  So there was no one I could blame.   So I ended up feeling alienated.  I started wondering if I was adopted or had a different father or worst of all, that I was the only freak of nature in the family.  That the world must hate me and perhaps I somehow deserve this.  Maybe I was a very awful person in my past life.  Which I don’t necessarily believe in past lives but sometimes when things just don’t add up properly,  you start believing in fate, destiny, god, the universe and the path that was written for you.

I can’t believe how afraid I am to make this doctor’s appointment.  I wanted this to be my battle, not something I pass onto anyone else.

If the diagnosis comes back positive, the only thing I can think of to tell him is,

“I know exactly what to do if you want to hide it.”

“I know exactly what to do if you want to leave it alone.”

“I’ll teach you how to live in this world with this and how to handle bullies.”

“I’m here as much or as little as you need. “

“I will always be here for you at any hour, on any day, no matter what.  I’ll  help you get through every difficult moment.”

The thing that scares me about this disease is how completely unpredictable it is.  It  can be ok for a while then out of nowhere, boom, a bunch of hair falls out, and you have zero reason why.

You can be happy and positive – it doesn’t make a difference.  The disease can still take an aggressive turn that doesn’t make sense.

Stress of course does play a factor as well as poor diet and poor sleep.  

But I don’t know what to do.  I’m freaking out.  I hate myself for passing on this awful disease when I could have decided not to.  I could have decided not to have kids.

I’ll understand if he hates me forever.  If I’m the blame, the source, the enemy.

I am ready to take his blows, his hate, his anger, his frustration.  I’ll take it all.  I’ll be waiting to hear his story.  I’ll be waiting for him to disown me and never want anything to do with me.

But, I’ll love him forever, always and to infinity.  

With everything that I am and more than he’ll ever know in this entire lifetime.

As always diary, thank you for listening,

Love,

Jenna 

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Letters To My Kids

My Dear Loves,

Beautiful angels, there’s so much I want to teach you and show you.

Sometimes I worry I’ll be too busy or distracted to tell you. Or that I’ll say the wrong thing when you really need the right answer.

So I’m writing it all down for you now. If my voice isn’t always there, maybe my words will be.

Sweet angel loves, I want to prepare you for the battles ahead—and the ones no one can prepare for:

  • The bullies who may try to hurt you—and how to walk away strong.
  • The boundaries to set so you’re never a victim.
  • The anxiety that may sneak in, uninvited and confusing.
  • The depression that might visit, trying to diminish your light.
  • The heartache you’ll feel, even when you’ve done nothing wrong.
  • The beauty of finding true connection and chemistry.

Life is vast, complex, unpredictable, and wildly out of our control.

I don’t believe anyone ever lands on one final answer or perfect solution. Life will always have uncertainty—and that’s okay.

Please, my sweet angels, never rely on others to prove that your life is good.

  • Don’t rely on others to create your happiness.
  • Don’t expect others to read your mind.
  • Your life isn’t defined by who loves you or who stays.
  • Your worth isn’t measured by how well someone takes care of you.

The only control you have in this world is how you live in it.

  • You are responsible for your happiness.
  • You are responsible for taking care of yourself.
  • You are responsible for listening to your emotions and finding solutions.
  • You are your own advocate.
  • You must protect yourself. Believe in yourself. Defend yourself.

If you can do that, your relationships will feel balanced and full of harmony.

Take responsibility for yourself—without placing that weight on others. And when you support the people you love, do so with healthy boundaries.

Friends and family can offer advice, comfort, love, and a listening ear—but they can’t live your life for you. The big decisions must come from within.

Knowing this frees you. You’ll learn what you can expect from others—and what’s not your job to fix.

This is how you draw the line. This is how you build boundaries. Things become clearer. More structured. And that structure brings peace, stability, and safety.

It reminds you that you are capable. That you can care for yourself. That you can love yourself.

Handling Bullies

This one’s tricky. Mommy is 39 and still figuring it out. But I’m getting there—stronger each time. Less afraid each day.

So, what do you do with bullies?

First and most important—acknowledge right away that what was said or done is wrong, false, and abusive. Don’t let it sink in as truth.

Recognize that you do not deserve this. That their words may come from ignorance, anger, or fear—but that doesn’t excuse the harm.

Then, if you feel safe to do so, challenge them. Speak up. Show others this behavior isn’t okay. Help create a safe space for yourself and those around you.

You might say:

  • “Say what you want, I don’t care.”
  • “I’m not stupid. That’s mean. Why would you say that?”
  • “I’m not a bitch—I care deeply about people.”
  • “How dare you call me that. I’m a good person. I wouldn’t call you names—until now.”

If it gets really bad, call someone you trust.

When you get home, take time to process. Write it out. Sit with your thoughts. Talk it over with someone who loves you.

Each experience will teach you. You’ll get better and better at protecting your peace.

And if you get stuck—it’s okay.

  • If your mind goes blank—it’s okay.
  • If you can’t find the words—it’s okay.
  • If you cry—it’s okay.
  • If you walk away without saying anything—it’s okay.

Just keep practicing self-love. Keep remembering what you deserve.

Everyone in this world is entitled to:

  • Respect
  • Kindness
  • Equality
  • Acceptance
  • Compassion

You are no different. Please don’t ever believe you are.

My sweet loves, you will need to grow armor in this world—but also learn to surrender and be vulnerable. Know when to be strong and when to be soft.

Know when to show your pride—and when to step aside so someone else can shine, too.

My angels, I’ll write to you again soon.

There is no measurement big enough for the love I have for you both.

Love you always and forever,
Mom

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Letters to My Kids

A space for truth, love, and everything I wish I knew sooner.

Dear Loves,

I’ve carried these letters with me for a long time—written for you, and maybe for others who feel the same way. These are the words I wish someone had told me growing up. Truths I’ve learned through pain, through healing, and through the quiet moments of breaking and rebuilding.

Life is beautiful. But it’s also messy, unfair, brutal, and breathtaking.

I don’t have all the answers, but I want to give you my story—so when the world gets loud, you have something to hold on to. Something to remind you of who you are. And how much you matter.

These letters are for you—but they’re also for the scared child I used to be. And for someone out there who needs to know they’re not alone.

My Dear Loves,

Life is a beautiful, crazy, scary, amazing, sensational thing.

It will test you.
It will challenge you.
It will not care how you feel.

Beautiful angels, I’ll tell you the things I wish I knew growing up—the battles you can prepare for, and the ones you can’t.

You will meet pain. Not the kind that comes and goes, but the kind that settles deep in your chest.
You will doubt yourself—sometimes daily.
You will want to disappear.
You will wish someone could rescue you.
You will wonder if something is wrong with you.

There isn’t.

You will survive what you thought you couldn’t.
You’ll learn that silence is heavy, but your voice is powerful.
You’ll find magic in the things others overlook—like a hug that says “I see you,” or a song that makes you cry in the best way.

And when the world tries to harden you, I hope you stay soft.
Stay curious.
Stay kind.

I’ll keep writing these letters—because I want you to know it’s okay to be human.
To fall.
To feel everything.
To get back up differently than before.

You don’t have to hide who you are. Every part of you deserves to be seen.

Love you more than you’ll ever know—
Mom

If this letter moved you, please leave a comment or share it with someone who might need it too. Your story might be the reminder someone else is searching for.

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