Dear Diary,
I’m worried, my eldest son might be growing a bald spot on his head. I remember telling my husband how I was scared to have kids in case they get my disease. The hardship and turmoil I went through I would never wish on anyone.
As a parent and as someone who went through it, I started asking myself, Do I wait to take him to the doctor until I know for sure? Do I wait to prepare the dialogue I need to tell him so I can give him the right peace of mind?
What if the diagnosis comes back true? Knowing that mommy wears a wig because of it and ends up having terrible anxiety over imagining if he needs to wear a wig as well. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.
I imagine the doctor coming back with a positive result and how he would react. I can picture him looking down at the floor trying to be brave and becoming extremely quiet in front of the doctor.
I imagine when we get home he starts to scream at me, yell at me, curse at me, push me, hit me, hating me, hating the world, and wishing I was never his mom. Wishing he was never born in this family.
I wouldn’t blame him. I thought the same thing except there was no historical path to trace back to. So there was no one I could blame. So I ended up feeling alienated. I started wondering if I was adopted or had a different father or worst of all, that I was the only freak of nature in the family. That the world must hate me and perhaps I somehow deserve this. Maybe I was a very awful person in my past life. Which I don’t necessarily believe in past lives but sometimes when things just don’t add up properly, you start believing in fate, destiny, god, the universe and the path that was written for you.
I can’t believe how afraid I am to make this doctor’s appointment. I wanted this to be my battle, not something I pass onto anyone else.
If the diagnosis comes back positive, the only thing I can think of to tell him is,
“I know exactly what to do if you want to hide it.”
“I know exactly what to do if you want to leave it alone.”
“I’ll teach you how to live in this world with this and how to handle bullies.”
“I’m here as much or as little as you need. “
“I will always be here for you at any hour, on any day, no matter what. I’ll help you get through every difficult moment.”
The thing that scares me about this disease is how completely unpredictable it is. It can be ok for a while then out of nowhere, boom, a bunch of hair falls out, and you have zero reason why.
You can be happy and positive – it doesn’t make a difference. The disease can still take an aggressive turn that doesn’t make sense.
Stress of course does play a factor as well as poor diet and poor sleep.
But I don’t know what to do. I’m freaking out. I hate myself for passing on this awful disease when I could have decided not to. I could have decided not to have kids.
I’ll understand if he hates me forever. If I’m the blame, the source, the enemy.
I am ready to take his blows, his hate, his anger, his frustration. I’ll take it all. I’ll be waiting to hear his story. I’ll be waiting for him to disown me and never want anything to do with me.
But, I’ll love him forever, always and to infinity.
With everything that I am and more than he’ll ever know in this entire lifetime.
As always diary, thank you for listening,
Love,
Jenna
